Category: The Queen

Driving to the store.

Me: Here’s the list. Do we need anything else?

The Queen: We need more vegetables. I need to start putting more vegetables in my lunch.

M: Okay.

Q: I always eat my lunch last.

M: You always …? Last after what?

Q: After everything else.

M: What else do you eat during the day?

Q: My sandwich, my yogurt, my fruit — the rest of my lunch. [Exasperated] Why don’t you listen to me?!

M: I did listen to you. You said “I eat my lunch last” and I had no idea what you meant.

Q: Didn’t I say “I eat the vegetables in my lunch last?”

M: No.

Q: Oh.

[Pause]

Q: Why are you attacking me?!

Three months of pregnancy to go, folks.

I tend to be skeptical of the paranormal, but I can no longer deny that The Queen is psychic.

Often, over the course of the week, She’ll notice something that needs to be done around the house — a leaky pipe that requires repairs, or a portion of the garage overdue for cleaning — and say to me “Well, I guess you know what you’ll be doing this weekend.” And I’ll be damned if she isn’t right every single time: at that moment I do know exactly what I will be doing on the following weekend.

It’s downright eerie.

The Queen: While you’re paying bills online, could you take care of this dentist bill too?

Me: Sure. [Takes bill] Wha-? Geoffrey Strange? Your dentist is “Dr. Strange”?

Q: Uh-huh.

Me: Who does he have as dental hygenists, the hoary hosts of Hoggoth?

Q: …

Me: Uhh, never mind. That was kind of a nerd joke.

Q: I assumed.

Talkin’ with The Queen.

Me: Hey, what did you think of that book The Eyre Affair?

Q: I thought it was good.

Me: Really? Because I’m a few chapters into it and not sure if I should continue.

Q: I liked it.

Me: Well, I’ll keep reading it, then. It must be good if you liked it, since you’re, like, the toughest book critic I know.

Q: I’m not a tough book critic.

Me: Yes you are. You hate every book you read.

Q: I only hate bad books.

Me: But you say that 98% of all books are bad.

Q: That’s because they are.

Me: Did you hear that story they just had on NPR? I guess they’re saying that kids in daycare are more aggressive than stay-at-home kids.

The Queen: Well, if the daycares they studied are like the one I went to, it’s probably because they only have one toy and the kids have to fight over it ALL DAY LONG!

<Awkward pause>

The Queen: I’m okay. I’m over it, really.

The other night The Queen and I were watching The Big Forever Last Buffy Episode Ever Forever, and, during the break, there was an ad for Direct TV that I had never seen before. In it, a pair of sexy girls are at a party, sitting on either end of a large couch. Into the frame walk two stereotypical nerds — glasses, terrible hair, pocket protectors, the whole nine yards — who wedge themselves between the ladies and begin various fumbling attempts at small talk. The women first look mortified, then annoyed, and then a little panicky. Finally, one of them grabs a remote control sitting on an end table, points it directly at the camera, and presses a few buttons.

Now we get a reverse shot, where we discover that there is a TV directly across from the couch. The television screen flashes through a few menus (presumably in response to the girl with the remote) and then settles on Star Trek.

In the last shot of the ad we again see the nerds, who are staring at the television mesmerized. But unbeknownst to them, the two ladies have disappeared, leaving the duo alone on the couch.

“Hah hah hah!” I said when the commercial reached the punchline. “That was pretty funny!”

There was a pause while The Queen looked at me oddly. Then she said, “I think it’s great that you can laugh at yourself.”

In a restaurant where music is playing over the sound system.

Me: Jeeze, I’ve heard this song three times in the last two days.

The Queen: What is it?

Me: “Last Train To Clarksville,” by The Monkees

Q: Are you sure it’s not the Beatles? It sounds like the Beatles.

Me: No, I’m certain it’s The Monkees. I listened to a lot of Monkees when I was in high school.

Q: You’re kidding me. The Monkees? I thought you liked Talking Heads and The Smiths and stuff.

Me: I did, but … well, there was this girl that I was friends with in high school, and she really liked the Monkees, so I listened to a lot of Monkees too. That’s how I was, then — I just listened to whatever my close friends liked to so we’d have something in common. I listened to Talking Heads because my buddy M. liked them, and I listened to The Smiths because my friend J. liked them, and listened to The Monkees because this girl was way into The Monkees, and so on. I mean, when it comes to music I’ve always been a poseur — but I know I’m a poseur and I don’t pretend that I’m not, so I guess that makes it okay.

Q: I have to pee.

Me: You have to …? I spill my guts, I reveal this fascinating insight into my personality and psychological makeup, and all you can say is “I have to pee”?!

Q: So it seems, poseur.

The Queen: Wow, the kitties love that poultry-flavored hairball medicine I bought.

Me: You’re kidding.

The Queen: Seriously. They hated the last kind, but I just gave them this new stuff and they were, like, purring with happiness. Now they’re all excited and running around the house like a bunch of wild Indians.

Me: Ahem! We do not say “running around like a bunch of wild Indians” any more. These days the correct phrase is “running around like a bunch of wild Native Americans”.

The Queen: Whoops, that’s what I meant to say.

Me: Anyhow, they love the hairball medicine, huh?

The Queen: The Native Americans? Yes, they’re crazy for it.

Me: Hah! Amazing fact — the Native Americans were renowned for using every part of the hairball medicine, leaving nothing to waste.

It may not surprise you to discover that we have conversations like this all the time.

Me: Okay, I’ve leaving for work again.

Queen: All right.

Me: I’m wearing pants this time.

Queen: Atta boy, sweetheart.

Hey Washingtonians! How about that Governor Gary Locke, huh? Did he give a great Democratic response speech or what?

No seriously, I am asking you: did he give a great Democratic response speech? Because I have no idea. The Queen and I watched it, but we were able to hear very little over our own, compulsive editorializing.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, the Democratic Nation Party’s official response to the State of the Union Address.

Locke: Good evening. I’m Gary Locke, the Governor of —

Queen: Oh my god! Look at his hair!

Me: How can I not?

Locke: My grandfather came to this country from China nearly a century ago, and worked —

Queen: Is it a toupee? Is he wearing a toupee?

Me: Why would he wear a toupee when he has a perfectly good head of hair?

Queen: Then what idiot styled it to look exactly like a toupee?

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: We also support the President in working with our allies and the United Nations to eliminate —

Me: Why is he doing the head-waggle?

Locke: Together, we can meet these global challenges —

Me: Check that out: he’s totally doing the head-waggle. Who coached him on this speech, Leslie Miller? He delivers every line with the Leslie Miller / barn owl / “ain’t no man of mine gonna call me no skank” head-waggle. It’s like watching the Democratic response given by a bobblehead doll.

Locke: Our plan provides over a hundred billion dollars in tax relief —

Queen: Why is he smiling? Who told him to smile? He looks ridiculous when he smiles. I’ve never seen him smile during a speech before.

Me: Well, that’s because the only time he gives speeches is after some initiative he supported gets voted down five-to-one.

Queen: True.

Locke: To strengthen America at home, there’s much more to do —

Me: You can tell that he’s forcing himself to smile. He frowns while talking and then gives with the smile at the end of every paragraph. He goes, like, “[Frown] Our parents shouldn’t be forced to give up their doctor [Smile!]. [Frown] That won’t save Medicare [Smile!], [frown] it would privatize it [Smile!].”

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: Environmental protection has been a tremendous bipartisan success —

Queen: Can’t. Stop. Looking. At the hair.

Locke: Yes, the Republican Party now controls the executive branch —

Queen: The combination of the smile, the hair and the glasses make him look like a big nerd.

Me: I keep waiting for some bully to come on-screen and push him.

Queen: People from other states are going to stop us on the streets and say “My governor can beat up your governor.”

Both: [Laughter]

Locke: That’s the vision of the Democratic Party –

Me: You know what would have been great?

Queen: What?

Me: If the Announcer Guy was, like,”Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor of Washington State” and then they cut to Locke looking all somber and serious, and then he suddenly started flailing around and yelling “Bats! Bats in my hair! Get ’em off me! Bats in my hair!!”

Both: [Long Laughter]

Locke: Thank you for listening, and God Bless America.

Queen: What, it’s over already?

Me: Yeah, but keep watching: I heard that Tim Eyman will be giving a rebuttal to the rebuttal.

Both: [Laughter]

Me and The Queen, we have a good time.