What I Learned On My Thanksgiving Vacation

When visiting with relatives, I use alcohol less as a crutch and more as an entire vehicle.

The maximum number of “buffet-style” restaurants you can enjoyably patronize in a single 24-hour period is one.

Californians drive like they are currently on fire and are headed to a swimming pool.

My grandmother adores my wife for a multitude of reasons, one of which, she announced, is that The Queen “turned me around”. (I had no idea what she meant by this declaration and was afraid to ask for clarification.)

Caddyshack is not even remotely as funny as I remember.

You can socialize with family for three days and be happy, and you can forego exercise for three days and be happy, but you cannot both socialize with family and forego exercise for three days and be happy

The sense of pride you get after using the word “axiom” in a Scrabble game is not sufficient to overcome the sense of shame you’ll experience when you ultimately come in last place.

I had always wondered how my family came to have an inexhaustible supply of humiliating stories about things I did when I was a youngster, but it finally — finally! — dawned on me that, when telling amusing stories about things your younger blood relations did when they were four, you can totally just make shit up. They don’t remember! And other family members, afraid to reveal that they now have a memory like a slotted spoon, will back you up like they recall whatever fictional yarn you spin.

Me: Have you heard about the time when Eric was six? And dropped the Thanksgiving pie on his foot?

Girlfriend of younger blood relation: Yeah, I think you told me about that.

Me: And the other time, when he was seven? And hid all those bananas in the glove compartment?

Girlfriend: Uh-huh. I heard that one too.

Me: And the time he was five? At the Christmas parade? When he fellated the mayor?

Uncle: Hmm? Uh, oh yeah! Tell ‘er that one.

The cuter the child in the airport, the louder she will howl when she’s seated in the row behind you.

When making small talk with relatives of another generation, t’is best to avoid topics such as politics, economics, music, sex, technology, entertainment, the weather, life, death, or any other topic of conversation which would necessitate the use of nouns and verbs.