The Catholic Church has been a little down on its luck recently, what with the abuse scandals and the Pope running out of people to confer favor on, to the point where he has to resort to blessing breakdancers. What they need is something that will not only refill their depleted coffers, but also enable them to earn the goodwill of people across the world like they did during the crusades.
That’s why I think they should found What Would Atkins Do, Incorporated.
Here’s how it works. The church opens a series of bakeries across the nation, selling all varieties of grain products: bread, muffins, pasta, you name it. Each outlet also employs a deacon, who sanctifies everything before its shipped to locals stores. It would be sort of like the kosher food deal, but, you know, Christier.
And voila: moneymaker! The 96% of the American population currently on the Atkins diet could enjoy all those baked goods they’ve had to forego, without having to worry about meddlesome carbs. Thanks to the (literal!) miracle of transubstantiation, those WWAD cinnamon rolls and bagels will turn into the (literal!) body of Christ after consumption, thereby converting a carbohydrate-laden doughnut into a the relatively carb-free hunk of Messiah. Dieters get to eat bread again and stave off eternal damnation, all at the same time — it’s win-win!
If WWAD, Inc. is successful (how could it not be?), they could even branch out by opening vineyards and launching a line of sanctified wine for vampires.
Haha… love the category “Great Ideas”… heh…
Wow, man. That is hillarious! It’s about time someone poked fun at transubstantiation.
you stole my idea…i’m the breadmaker hear!
“Wah-lah?”
Also, although “mettlesome” is a word, it means “having a proud and unbroken spirit”. Me no get. Did you mean “meddlesome”? That doesn’t quite make sense either.
Is it really spelled Doughnut? I’ve always spelled it donut. Or even do-nut, which is how a sign over a fantastic donut/coffee shop in Haywood CA spelled it.
That is like the funniest thing that I’ve ever heard. What will they come up with next?
The bakeries could be called “Our Daily Bread”
&
The day after mass they could have day old communion wafers, half off.
Go in piece.
But can you make the body of Christ with leavened bread?
They will need little xiphoid signs on each item at Our Daily Bread to inform the consumer into which part of Jesus’ body it will transmute. No banana and nut bread for me, no sir.
Jehova Gyros?
(Made with Lamb of God)
How about a stuffed bear for a mascot?
He’d have eyes that looked in different directions.
His name would be “Gladly” -“Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear”
LOL, that was too funny. Of course you do realize your going to a special hell for that. But whatever, I’m sure I have my own special hell waiting too :-P
god help me if one day i’m happily stuffing my face with sugar frosted christies.
Lo-Carb Jesus. Wonderful.
“Christier.” LOL.
>It’s about time someone poked fun at transubstantiation.
you mean something like the reformation?
mmmmmmm, sacrilicious.
Can this be franchised?
haha great stuff! yeah they have to be really careful that they don’t turn into this:
http://noctos.blogspot.com/2004/08/bored-couples-versus-boring-profiles.html
Behold, behold the Lamb of God
(As it skips and hops).
I know that soon the Lamb of God
Will be the Lamb of Chops.
Could I manage the Amstedam branch?
We do have a few Christians left, you see.
After most Jews were deported some 60 years ago
and within a decade from now the muslims
will have the upperhand.
@Pastry Lover: Yes, the word is “doughnut”. In English.
In American English it’s “Donut”. Compare with
“colour” and “color”.
If you ever have the chance to lay your hands on an English dictionary, please don’t hesitate to have a glance. You may find it worth it.
English may not be my native toungue but I have this thing with languages: they should be used in a proper manner.
You had me at “Christier”.
Loved the piece. My glee was only slightly diminished by the vampire line. I think alcoholics would have been a better analogy. Vampires *want* blood, where as carb-deprived Atkins dieters want the bread, not the body of Christ. See, alcoholics could get all the pleasure of drinking alcohol, but none of the guilt because it’s not REALLY alcohol (despite all earthly measurements to the contrary); it is (literally!) the blood of Christ. There. Now it’s a perfect joke.
Bwaahaahaa, that logo is the best. Thanks for the laughs. What about leaking to the press that Jesus himself ate low-carb brain made strictly from grains?
My immediate reaction to that post: Will you marry me?
I never heard of you before today. I never read you before today. Yet, I believe I am in love with you. That would be awkward, me being a lesbian and all, but since you’re married I think it’s okay.