Crisis On US’s Earth To Address GOP Continuity Errors

Matthew News

At a press conference earlier today, Ken Mehlman, chairman of the The Republican National Committee, announced "Crisis on US's Earth," an ambitious, year-long initiative to address the multitude of continuity errors George Bush and the Republicans in Congress have introduced into the GOP Universe.

"We're very excited", Mehlman said, speaking with reporters. "It's going to be a major crossover event, involving all the branches of government we control: legislative, executive and judicial. No checks and balances here -- we're pulling out all the stops."

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who was also at the conference, spoke of the need for the program. "We have way too many divergent storylines right now: we're 'fiscal conservatives' spending like drunken sailors, we're against their activist judges but for our activist judges, we're for smaller government while presiding over its expansion ... We need to eliminate all the old plot threads, like the notion that Republicans stand for state's rights and whatnot."

Mehlman agreed, especially in regards to the President. "You got your Compassionate Conservative of the 2000 campaign -- the 'Golden Age Bush,' we like to call him; then there's Bush II, the wartime president; and now the modern-age Bush, obsessed with social security and beholden to the Religious Right. We need to hammer down his character and completely relaunch this guy."

Industries insiders say that the overhaul was precipitated by Bush's increasingly reliance on "parallel universes" (such as the one where voters gave him a mandate in 2004) and "imaginary stories" (such as Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction). The Iraq war has been particularly vexing for Republicans, with no less that three "origin stories" (WMDs, liberation, democracy promotion), each of which is considered canonical. In addressing this issue, Crisis On US's Earth will introduce the "Anti-monitors" -- a second set of UN weapons inspectors who actually found stockpiles of chemical weapons in early 2003 and urged the president to attack immediately. When asked how these new characters will be integrated into the existing timeline, Mehlman shrugged and said, "we'll just casually mention them of FOX News. Americans have always been very accepting of our retcons."

Though not slated to begin until June, Mehlman's announcement that the initiative will "involve all the superstars of the GOP Universe, but not all will survive" has set off a flurry of speculation as to who will be written out of the post-Crisis world. The most prominent rumor states that Majority Leader Tom Delay will perish of a heart attack after running wildly around the floor of the senate, heroically disrupting a democratic filibuster.

34 thoughts to “Crisis On US’s Earth To Address GOP Continuity Errors”

  2. Sometimes I think of new twists for the storyline–you know what I predict for next month? We’re going to find out that THE IRAQIS ACTUALLY STARTED THE WAR. There was some foreshadowing of this in some things Rumsfeld said last week…

  5. They’re gonna screw the whole thing up with the first movie tie-in, though.

  6. I’ll laugh after I feel less ashamed for understanding this post.

    So, in the new continuity, was the Harlequin (nee Condoleezza Rice) the Joker’s Daughter or Two Face’s daughter? Frankly, I have a hard time deciding.

  7. Absolutely brilliant.

    I thought I recognized the hand coming out of that vortex at the beginning of time, but I couldn’t place it. Now I realize it must be Cheney’s.

  10. I knew it! GWB was behind the killing of Blue Beetle!

    Damn you, D.C. Universe! (both a yas!)

  11. It’s the Republican’s fault I didn’t get my welfare!!! Waaaaah!!! Save the whales!!!

  12. This was without a doubt the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.

  15. I’ve been reading your blog since… um… well, I think I may remember the first time you used the word ‘squirelly’. I’ve never been moved to comment before, much as I’ve enjoyed what you write.

    but today, you made me feel a little less alone in this big, ugly world.

    my friends don’t understand it. my family barely lived through it when I started buying up the back issues in highschool (I’m in law school now). I even threw a superhero costume party once and though well-attended, not a person there recognized my flash costume.

    thank you.

  16. I got it! I got it! And I don’t feel ashamed.

    Also, I would just like to say that I know two other people without cell phones: Allison, who is avoiding having one on principle, and Cris, who not only doesn’t have a cell phone, HE DOESN’T HAVE AN ANSWERING MACHINE EITHER.

    So you will have to hold out quite a while if you want to be the very, very last.

  18. Oh this is too funny. Although if you think about it, Bush’s administration sounds like it was written by Rob Leifeld. Or, if possible, someone with even LESS talent.

  20. Matthew,

    that was great! good reference-spotting, and the writing was on-par with The Onion for catching that journalistic style in the face of absurdity.

    thank you,

    bud

  21. I have to be an echo here: absolutely brilliant. Makes all those decades of comic-collecting worthwhile.

  22. They should hire Alan Moore to further develop the plot after the continuity issues are settled. He handles those wierd alternate universe enviornments pretty well. Is Iraq a success or an utter failure? Well, curiously its both!

  24. While I think the GOP are right to address the “Crisis,” after the Crisis it might be of extra help to spin-off a Vertigo-type universe for Bush and his cronies, so they don’t muck it up again.

    Also, getting Alan Moore to write seems a no-brainer. And can we slide in a clause that I can only be drawn by Jim Lee, Frank Quitely or John Cassaday?

    Geek + Politics = Awesome.

    –David

  27. Nerd-tastic.

    So on the flip side, will the Democrats be dismantled and re-assembled with a contentious all star line up after the death of Hawkeye? And watch out for those New Democrats, I’m betting the ‘Green’ one is a girl.

  29. Why is it that the two seemingly GOP retorts to this have been stunningly uninspired? Wait, I just answered my own question.

    This is really probably the most awesome (no reference to Rob Liefeld intended) thing I’ve ever seen on DY, and I’ve seen a lot of awesome things on here. Now if you can tie Fox News into the reality-warping Marvel crossover of the summer, “House of M,” you’ll have achieved Jedi Nerdhood.

  30. Sometimes a thing is so true that it goes past funny to utterly sobering. For me, Crisis On US’s Earth is more than a humorous, insightful article laced with Gen-X geek-culture allusions. It’s a reminder of what they’ve done, what they’re doing, and what they will do again.

  32. Oh probably. I just thought perhaps there was a larger psychological point to be made there. Certainly nothing new to those of us who put up with their horseshit regularly.

  33. I only recently came across your site by accident, and I have to say that I am humored by it immensly. I often times find myself laughing out loud in the library when I come across some of your sarcasm. Not all of the things you write about make 100% sense to me, but I think that may have something to do with the fact that I am younger than you. All in all, this is a fantastic site. Good job.

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