A friend, having read my last post, asked if The Queen really objects to botanical inaccuracies in movies. Oh yes, yes indeed. And not just in motion pictures, either. If I’d known, in advance, that the TV show LOST would feature a bunch of people on a tropical island populated with temperate foliage, I never would have put it in my Netflix queue.
Of course, I’m just as bad when something I’m passionate about is misrepresented on film. Like games, for instance. I still break into hives whenever I think of the scene in Freaks and Geeks where the parents play the card game Pit, just the two of them.
But my all-time least favorite scene–one that appears in about every third film, seemingly–has to be this one:
The hero and the antagonist are playing chess, a game in which both are virtual grandmasters. It's a close fought match, and they banter while they play. Slowly, their moves--and their conversation--become more aggressive. Eventually they are openly hostile to one another, both on the board and off.
Then, victory. Smirking, the villain says something irrefutable to the hero, moves a bishop, and announces check.
For a long moment the two men lock eyes. Suddenly, the hero utters a devastating riposte, breaks eye contact just long enough to capture the bishop with his queen, and, with the slightest hint of a smile, declares checkmate. He rises from his chair and walks briskly away, leaving the loser to gawps at the board in amazement.
Yes, I understand that one grandmaster saying “I’m going to checkmate you in seven moves” followed by 23 straight minutes of the opponent staring at the board before replying, “ah, you are right–good game” lacks some of the “pizzazz” of the Hollywood version. But I still would rather sit through both episodes of Viva Laughlin, back-to-back, than endure this scene again.
What’s the scene you hate?
Videogame scenes, where someone is playing a videogame. That is inevitably 2 GENERATIONS OLD AND THEY’RE HOLDING THE CONTROLLER IN A WAY ONLY 5% OF THE GAMES USE.
Sorry for caps, particular vehemance for this one (N64 is the main culprit).
Kathy’s woman-in-crisis hair cutting comments reminded me of the hair cut scene in “An Officer and a Gentlemen”. The guys come out looking like prison camp inmates, but the girl has this totally cute bob. Riiiiight.
What I hate is having a countdown of an exact length when it is not something that can be so accurately measured.
“They’ve been infected with a deadly virus and have only an hour to live!”
Then, after lots of action with lots of dramatic close-ups of a clock, they are saved with only a few seconds to spare.
Yeah, right.
Pretty much any time people use computers or the Internet in a movie. Extra negative points for “hacking.”
Ten billion points from Gryffindor: Anyone else sit through the NBC adaptation of “A Wrinkle in Time”? I nearly died when they had the mom Google “Tesseract.” Dude, she has 2 PhDs. She’s not going to be googling it.
Languages: I speak German. Americans, at any rate, pretty much always speak with what I call a “TV Nazi” accent. It sounds like what Americans think German sounds like, not like actual German or English spoken with a remotely authentic German accent. Say it, don’t spray it, please.
Particularly bad: There’s one Stargate episode where Daniel Jackson pretends to be German. Not only is it a particularly awful accent, the writers threw in random German words that it would make no sense for him to use, apparently so it would be more convincing. The bad accent I can forgive (the character might well have mainly a scholar’s reading knowledge of the language), but as a linguist he should know that he couldn’t pass himself off as German with that wretched accent. He’d definitely know that if you were going to throw in German words with your English, it’d be words you might not know, rather than common every day words, e.g. articles.
Also speaking of Stargate: Pretty much any anthropology, archeology, or linguistics in anything.
I saw it mentioned above about the computer scenes in movies being the worst, but I have to disagree: these are the best! Specifically, the “hacking” in Jurassic Park and most notably, Hackers. They’re movies, people! Showing people hacking is not interesting. Showing “hackers” virtually flying around graphic representations of databases is hilarious! Get with it.
I see the typography geeks don’t read DY. They go bonkers over this kind of stuff.
One example:
http://www.ms-studio.com/typecasting.html
I first noticed this as a child watching Aristocats, but it’s not uncommon. If characters are in a country, say France, and speaking English for our benefit but presumably speaking the language of the country, say French, why why why do *some* characters have cute French accents and sprinkle their speech with cute French phrases? Aren’t they already speaking French?!?!
98% of poker games.
“Mr. Hero, the pot is mine” (four of a kind)
“Not so fast, evildoer!” (throws down full house)
I don’t even play poker, but fucking come on.
OK, Carl Parsons, I give up: Why a duck?
Yeti Mom: $10 Million? Not even $1 million will fit, which we know thanks to Rob Cockerham.
http://www.cockeyed.com/inside/million/million.html
You’re right– once you know about how big a million bucks is, it’s annoying to see someone carry $10 million in anything less than a pair of large duffel bags, full. It’s even worse in British shows, since the bills are larger.
Pretty much any scene involving a psychiatrist or counselor doing or saying something completely moronic, neatly solving a lifelong psychological problem in less time than that chessgame took. Drives me BATTY! I try to turn off the part of me that spent years getting an advanced degree in the field, but it’s impossible and routinely ruins movies and TV shows for me because I get sidetracked into a rant, complete with foaming at the mouth. Sigh. Oh, and the writer-as-tortured/insane is also getting old.
This will really date me, but in the TV series “Hotel”, apparently the GM – James Brolin – and his executive assistant – Connie Selleca – did EVERYTHING: there was apparently no staff.
And that was a big *** hotel!
Trust me, the GM’s executive assistant doesn’t plan catered events…
This will really date me, but in the TV series “Hotel”, apparently the GM – James Brolin – and his executive assistant – Connie Selleca – did EVERYTHING: there was apparently no staff.
And that was a big *** hotel!
Trust me, the GM’s executive assistant doesn’t plan catered events…
Still so many ridiculous portrayals of females. How will I save my daughter from disney warping her young mind?
-Woman just had hours of harrowing labor yet when they finally place the baby in her arms, makeup is flawless.
-Woman is getting ready for bed – flawless makeup still on, hair perfectly coifed.
-And the hooker with a heart of gold archetype has to go.
I recall one episode of a local soap opera, featuring Settlers of Catan – with two people, one of the leaving, and the other saying “Ok, I continue alone”.
My brother learned morse code in the German navy and he always smiles about this Steven Seagull movie (I dont remember the title), were the hero taps in morse codes, communicating with his partner.
He said “The way he does it, its impossible to understand anything. You cant make a long knock…”
University scenes involving referencing the calculus equations written up on the blackboard as “advanced math.” Sure, I get that calc is a powerful tool, but we’ve got programs that do that now. Honestly, are they tapping some film intern who hasn’t taken a math course since junior year of h.s. on the shoulder saying “hey, throw something up on the board so we’re not pointing at empty space”
Also, Monica and Rachel’s apartment in Friends was originally rented to Monica’s grandmother, and rent controlled. When Monica moved in she kept the grandmother’s name on the books, and is paying the original rent. It comes up once or twice
http://www.tv.com/friends/the-one-with-the-ballroom-dancing/episode/421/summary.html
Poker scenes! Especially poker scenes where someone has a very good but beatable hand, bets it all despite the shows of strength from the hero, and then the hero flips up the nuts. Especially when the hero does this to three other players. In one hand.
Casino Royale, I’m looking at you.
Also, I feel like I should mention, that watching “The Wire” has ruined every other cop show for me. I mean, RUINED. They’re so… stupid.
OK, that’s the wire plug for this thread.
Such a funny thread! I think this one deserves its own page (ala Tricks of the Trade).
I need to add some of my movie / tv pet peeves:
– Similar to the ventilation ducts scenes, I don’t know how many times I’ve seen someone go into an elevator and the doors open and… where did they go?? Why, through some hatch in the roof of the elevator of course! Perfect for evading or infiltrating (leads straight to the HVAC ducts). It got to the point that whenever I get on an elevator I look up to see if there is any service hatches or trap doors in the ceiling. Trust me – they aren’t there…. unless they are under a lot of paneling and light fixtures – stuff you wouldn’t be able to remove in the time it takes for the elevator doors to open.
– Almost anytime the main character(s) enter a stripclub / bar, you are almost guaranteed that there is going to be a fight, some gunplay, or some slapping a person around. If bouncers are involved, they get taken out almost immediately. This scenerio also applies to any high school boys locker room (minus the bouncers).
– Every time you see someone carrying a bag of groceries, there is a loaf of french bread and/or a bunch of celery sticking out. Not sure why this bugs me, but it really does.
I hate all movies involving journalists who apparently have all the money and time in the world to go chasing around after The Big Story that Will TOTALLY Bring Down the Man.
At an actual newspaper or TV station, the editor would be telling these clowns, “That’s nice, but I need you to do a quick feature on this person in our circulation area who found a muffin shaped like the Great Pyramid. And when you’re done there, you can call up meteorologists to ask them about the rain we are/aren’t getting this winter.”
I hate the scenes where the mouthy brat is supposed to be endearing. No, they’re a brat, and you just want to slap…errr…put them in time-out.
Folks enjoying this thread would probably get a kick out of “Ebert’s little movie glossary” by Roger Ebert. Not necessarily irksome things, but chock full of rules of thumb like “If someone coughs in the first 15 minutes, they have a terminal illness”; or, as 18Charisma pointed out, “a bag of groceries must have bread and/or celery stalks sticking out.”
My peeve: all libraries are sumptuous places with mezzanines, wooden shelving, and those lamps with the green shades. The public libraries I’ve worked at sure don’t look like that.
I’m with Eric – my husband is a violinist and most of the time any string player appearing on screen results in groans and jeers. “He’s not even holding the bow right! And his left hand! A monkey would do better! Aaargh!” Though occasionally we’re pleasantly surprised by someone who, though perhaps (probably) not playing the music you are hearing, is actually playing the instrument in some way that is not completely retarded.
You have way too many of these already, but my contribution is not even technical: I hate it when the hero bursts through a door/window/wall and responds to a comment that the bad guy just made, when it’s obvious that they wouldn’t have been able to hear the comment from outside the room.
The only one I can think of offhand is from the Fantastic Four movie: Dr. Doom is about to kill the Invisible Girl, and says “It’s time to end this”. Immediately afterward, The Thing bursts through a concrete wall, and responds “No, Vic. It’s clobbering time.” So, what, The Thing was standing outside with his ear to wall waiting for the right moment to interrupt their conversation?
Wow, I’ve just read the whole long throng of posts since my own, and they were GREAT. We should all hang out someday and get annoyed at movies together.
Srah, I don’t watch LOST (and not even sure if we still get it here in Israel or what), but that does sound kinda annoying.
In geenral, I think translation – when it is portrayed – is about as simplified as all the computer-stuff others have mentioned. There is never a ‘Hmm, wait, this word can mean two different things, we need more context to know what the hell this sentence says’, and none of the nitpicking-ness that translators are so often prone to (‘Wait, I’m not sure this is the correct translation, it’s more like—umm, let me look at another dictionary or four and make sure, okay?’), they always look at a text and know just what it says, or open a dictionary and it’s the first meaning listed.
But this is a bit too specific I guess; one of those things, like the chess-games, that won’t make an interesting scene if realistic. Here are some more basic things nobody seems to have said yet:
* Somebody gets shot. Our action hero – a cop, a spy, a paper-pusher-turned-hero, whatever – runs over, lays a finger on his neck/wrist, then looks up gravely and says ‘He’s dead’. WTF?! Are you a doctor? I did a very simple and basic First-Aid course years ago, and even I know that you can NOT determine death without a doctor, unless the body is already decomposing, a skeleton, or lying separately from the head. But noooo, they just touch the neck and know right away.
* A computer needs to be destroyed. The heroes pick up the MONITOR and smash it. Umm, that made a nice crashing effect, but it was just a monitor. The computer is still fully usable.
* Women who get a bit depressed immediately wear pajamas and eat a tub of ice cream. They never read a book, or go out, or just lie there not feeling like doing anything. They go straight for the ice cream. Jee, thanks for the stereotype, folks!
* Any of those old shows where a villain threats to turn time backwards… by making the clocks run the other way! Or changing the direction in which the earth spins. That’s equally stupid. Just because sunset is going to be in the east from now on doesn’t mean time is going backwards. Stop being stupid, people.
Also, my fiance used to work on a nuclear submarine, and I remember him being annoyed with:
* Radioactive stuff glowing green. Apparently, that doesn’t happen.
* Submarines always being dark, instead of having normal lighting.
While I don’t mind WATCHING crime shows (I especially like to watch CSI and play “spot when the cops SHOULD have read the Miranda rights and see all the info that is now inadmissable because they screwed up”), I HATE the effect that they’ve had on the general population, in terms of expecting mountains of detailed physical evidence when they sit on juries, regardless of the type of crime.
I hate it when they have people fake knitting. Either learn it, or do crocher. Sheesh.
AND, there was a Quilted Northern add that had the “quilters” using knitting needles. It’s your BRAND NAME. Get it right.
I just thought of another one… in The X-Files movie, they pan back to show a landscape that is supposed to be just outside of Dallas, Texas. And there are mountains. Riiight.
Several scenes that are related come to mind. The hero is fighting with a bad guy, and the girl (yeah, always a girl) he just rescued is pushed down and/or knocked aside. She just kind of either lays there whimpering or stands around while the hero struggles with the bad guy, often with a gun sliding around on the floor. Jeez, lady, little help here?
Second, the big bad guy/monster is knocked down, and the hero is standing over him/it, and decides to just reach down and check for a pulse. You know what happens next. The Wife and I are always screaming at the screen, “For Christ sake, shoot him/it in the head a few times, or kick the hell out of him.”
Finally, hero and wife/kids or sidekick are running away from the monster. The hero/dad says something like, “you take the kids/yourself and escape to safety while I make a last stand here and buy you enough time.” Then, the wife just basically stands around being vulnerable while the dad/hero get killed. Another case of, “Hey honey, if I’m going to die for you, don’t be an idiot – please run the hell as far away as possible, ok?”
What a great thread! A lot of my pet peeves have already been identified: srah commented on the unacknowledged collateral destruction caused by good guys and superheroes, HS identified the lighter-than-air suitcase contents (or tiny suitcases: in old movies, the heroine always indignantly piles a corset and maybe a slip into something the size of a vanity case), and many have complained about search engines.
The search engine thing really does get me. I work in an academic library, and I do a lot of reference work, and it’s a source of endless frustration when I see, say, obscure one-horse-town newspapers fully digitized and searchable on the web, with no copyright or licensing restrictions whatsoever. I feel like it must give our patrons an unrealistic expectation of their own research results. What really fries my ass is when the search completely ignores the syntax of a well-crafted query: no quotes-enclosed phrases, no Boolean operators, just something like “NASA history” and then suddenly the exact info they need is right up at the top. Google would pay millions for that algorithm, baby.
On the topic of things that bug, rather than actual scenes: auto drivers who converse with (or make out with) the people in the passenger seat, not looking at the road for insanely long periods of time. Oh man, does that make me crazy.
And, drawing on my earlier life, when I worked as a bartender in a large hotel: hotel staff misbehavior. “Hotel Babylon” is the most egregious offender here, mostly because it’s supposed to be such a ritzy, 5-star establishment. But the staff sit down in their uniforms in the public spaces, drinking and eating and laughing, use the front door instead of an employee entrance, work both as housekeepers and as banquet staff….oh dear lord, the list goes on and on. I find myself screaming at the screen–but I CAN’T TURN AWAY….
“…auto drivers […] not looking at the road for insanely long periods of time.”
Or drivers supposedly driving on a fairly straight pieces of road but who yank the steering wheel back and forth as if they are on an obstacle course…
I hate it when bad guys have fully automated weapons but constantly miss their target, while the good guy has one single shot pistol and kills every bad guy – hitting every target aimed at. (i.e. True Lies)
I’m an entomologist and my husband is a fisheries biologist, we’re nasty movie company, too. :)
Oh, yeah. Fake drinking. Just put water in the coffee cup so you actually drink something.
Ahhh, and then there is “Armageddon”. The movie where evidently it’s more feasible to train guys from an oil rig to be astronauts than it is to train astronauts to be able to run the drills. I can’t stand melodramatic movies like that but alas, I’m not the one with the remote.
Not sure if one of the 134 prior commenters already said this, but I hate how the young, hipster, grungy WRITER_BIKE MESSENGER_FILL IN THE BLANK LOW WAGE EARNER can afford that really effing huge loft apartment with the great view of the river, the city and the bridge.
ok, older film and probably no one here saw it – it was a foreign flick about the castrati – the eunuched opera singers.
I went with about 50 singers and orchestra musicians – At the very first scene where he opens his mouth to sing, and all this *sound* pours out, every single person in our group exploded with laughter.
He didn’t hold his tongue flat behind the teeth, which every opera singer has beaten into them at an early age.
Ok, I guess you had to be there.
How about when the bad guys car runs into the back of a parked car and flips over? Every time I try that I just smash up both cars.
And why is it that every computer expert in every show is young, uber-cool, and has super trendy glasses and tussled hair? Where are all the fat hairy guys with three day old pizza stuck in their beards?
I hate it when two people wake up together and start making out passionately. Do you not need to brush your teeth first!? In Hollywood, there is no morning breath.
I hate it when two people wake up together and start making out passionately. Do you not need to brush your teeth first!? In Hollywood, there is no morning breath.
I second above posters on driving.
Also: Ten years ago or so I heard an interview with a former foreign legion soldier who talked about getting shot – which, apparently, produces an all-consuming pain no matter where the bullet hits you. “It’s not like in the movies, that you can continue shooting with the other hand.”
My action movie experience has never been the same.
The car chase in The Matrix: Reloaded. I’m a car guy, and having an extended chase scene with a frillion cars in it, 98% of which came from GM, was quite distracting.
Not so much a scene, as a line.
“You knew my father?”
It is in so many movies, not just the obvious ones. I’m really sick of hearing it. Can’t they be more original?
oops
The movie was Farinelli.
One musical movie that does get it right:
Immortal Beloved.
Not a “scene” per se, but my most hated thing in movies is the guy sitting near me in the theater (or living room, as the case may be) complaining about how one thing or another is portrayed in the movie.
I really hate that.
I hate pretty much any period movie where someone plays a forte piano or clavichord and you hear a modern nine foot Steinway grand piano. They spend hundreds of hours getting the socks right and they can’t be bothered to put a historically accurate instrument in the soundtrack.
Bonus points for “The Piano,” made infinitely worse by the insipid Michael Nyman soundtrack. Hey, kids, let’s leave a crappy box piano that’s been in the hold of a ship on a beach (and out in the weather) for a month, then go back and play it. Not only would it be so out of tune that you could not recognize anything anyone played on it, but you’d be lucky if it worked at all. After that, a naked Harvey Keitel was a blessing.
As a nurse, I can hardly sit thru a scene where a person is in intensive care, hooked up to monitors, and another character walks into the room just as the nurse announces “I’m taking a coffee break” (what?? we can take coffee breaks??), administers a lethal injection and walks out while NO ALARMS SOUND! Yes, I’m talking about Million Dollar Baby. Million Dollar Load O’ Crap, I call it.
In American Pie when the college student tells his brother that he can find the sex manual hidden behind a chemistry section in the library and they go to the 900s, which of course is history. Yes, I am a librarian, but it’s such an easy thing to check! I hate it when they don’t check.
That porno when I recognize my ex-girlfriend (when we were still dating)!
I’m a historian, and it drives me nuts when someone in a show just gets on the internet and finds exactly the historic information they’re looking for using Google. I remember an episode of Buffy where there’s something going on at the school (naturally) and Willow jumps on her handy computer and in 10 seconds says “Look guys, I’ve found the answer to our problem in the Sunnydale High 1956 yearbook!” Folks, teh interwebs hasn’t been around that long. While many important historical documents have been scanned/transcribed and put up on web pages, doing research on anything prior to 1990 that was not a major historic event is going to yield you bupkes. Scanning old yearbooks or transferring microfiched newspapers to digital formats is something that is not on any library’s priority list; they don’t have staff, money or time to spend on it, and if you want to do research on an obscure topic, you’re going to have to get off your rear and look in an actual library. Gah.