swimfan: “It would be great to see this turd squashed under a truck. ” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE“Stealing Harvard has one extraordinary virtue for a Tom Green movie: It doesn’t star Tom Green. What a fabulous breakthrough! Not since Stravinsky stunned the world with The Rite of Spring has someone unveiled an aesthetic shocker of such epochal dimensions.” — Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST.Master of Disguises: “Pants and wheezes and hurls itself exhausted across the finish line after barely 65 minutes of movie, and then follows it with 15 minutes of end credits in an attempt to clock in as a feature film.” — Rogert Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES“As a child, I thought pure hell meant eternal agony in the flames of Satan. Now I know it’s looking down at your watch and realizing Serving Sara isn’t even halfway through.” — Desson Howe, WASHINGTON POSTfear dot com: “I feel guilty and somehow unclean. And all I did was watch it.” — Eric Campos, FILM THREAT
Category: Bad Review Revue
1-Star Reviews of Classic Novels
1. The Great Gatsby: “If Fitzgerald had written this book properly … it would have been EXACTLY two sentences long – ‘I’m rich’ and ‘Oh, boo hoo’. The plot line resembles an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (namely ‘Let’s sit around and whine about being rich. Next we’ll get drunk and call each other names, fight, and run each other over!’ SHUT UP ALREADY!) I can rarely can say this, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE this book! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOOK IF YOU CAN HELP IT!”
2. Catcher in the Rye: “I’m not the kind of person who reads a lot of books and this book is a reason why.”
3. The Grapes of Wrath: “Unfortunately i had to read this book for my american literature class. it went on and on and on about absolutely nothing!yes mr. steinbeck is verydescriptive, by he goes completely overboard in almost every chapter. i mean, does it really take a whole chapter to describe a turtle?!!”
4. To Kill a Mockingbird: “I’m sorry everyone. I don’t see why this book is so fabeulos. I would give it a zero. I find no point in writing a book about segregation, there’s no way of making it into an enjoyable book.”
5. The Color Purple: “This book is the collection of sick perverted ravings of Alice Walker. I started reading the book thinking it had to be great to win the Pullitzer Prize, but I couldn’t even finish it because it was so grossly sickening. I urge you to not read this book because it will subvert you and defile your mind with unwanted perverseness.”
6. Ulysses: “It is the only book I can think of where the reader deserves more credit for finishing it than the author.”
7. Beloved: “Toni has a comon failing among female writers, unfocused ideas and flat characters. the subject matter wasnt something that particlarly intrested me. I guess it would be possible to like this book, but someone like me, I think Ill stick with sci-fi.”
8. The Lord of the Flies “I had to read this book for literiture class I hated it. my teacher rattled on about the symbolizm in this book.It was so boring and kinda gory. Plus no girls, wasnt they susposed to repopulate the world after nuclear war so not possible wih only boys. The one thing i found interesting was how they acted like wild animals after they had been on the island a while.that was kinda cool.But it was to confusing.”
9. 1984: “The fall of Communism has erased nearly every trace of relevance this book may once have had. ”
10.The Sound and the Fury: “What was up with all the words in italics?”
Update, 10/31/06: Hi! A lot of folks are coming to this dusty old entry from a link on Boing Boing. Just so you know, I wrote a second (and better) installment of this for The Morning News.
The Bad Review Revue
Hey, I haven’t done this in a while.
Bad Review Revue
[Men In Black II] “If it isn’t the worst sequel ever made, it’s only because it has too much competition” — David Edelstein, SLATE
“If Mr. Deeds is an Everyman, then the Everyman of today is a boorish jackass.” — Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE
[Like Mike] “There’s no excuse to come within a hundred feet of a screen playing this monstrosity of a movie.” — Michael Dequin, FILM THREAT
“One regards Reign of Fire with awe. What a vast enterprise has been marshaled in the service of such a minute idea. Incredulity is our companion, and it is twofold: We cannot believe what happens in the movie, and we cannot believe that the movie was made.” — Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES
[The Crocodile Hunter] “If you have to ask why this sucks, you deserve to waste your money.” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE
Peter Travers Bonus Quote, Regarding Sum of All Fears: “How the hell did Ben Affleck, 29, wind up replacing Harrison Ford, 59, as our hero? Chronology hasn’t been this royally fucked since Memento.”
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue
[Undercover Brother] “The most excruciating 86 minutes one might sit through this summer that do not involve a dentist drill.” — Renee Graham, BOSTON GLOBE
“Lopez, say the word, girl, the next time you’re offered one of these barrel scrapers: Enough!” — Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE
“Spirit‘s narration comes to us courtesy of Matt Damon, who, having played a horse’s ass in some of his earlier movies, perhaps thought it wise to inhabit the entire nag this time around.” — Peter Ranier, NEW YORK MAGAZINE
“Best watched through squinted eyes and slotted fingers … The New Guy is an ugly-duckling tale so hideously and clumsily told it feels accidental. Surely, no one planned something this disastrously unfunny.” — Robert Wilonsky, LA New TIMES
[Life or Something Like It] “Oh, please. Stop and smell the manure. ” — Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue
[The Sweetest Thing] “The dumbest thing this side of a lobotomy.” — Robert Wilonsky, LOS ANGELES NEW TIMES
[The Scorpion King] “As this chaotic barrage of muscle flexing, swordplay, fireballs, crude digital effects and comic-book quips hurls itself off the screen, it’s like having several garbage cans clogged with stale pizza, lukewarm cola, soggy French fries and greasy, ketchup-stained napkins emptied over your head.” — Stephen Holden, NEW YORK TIMES
“You might think that people dumb enough to make a by-the-numbers movie about a murder would at least be smart enough not to call it Murder By Numbers.” — Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS
[Big Trouble] “The kind of production that would have been funnier if the director had released the outtakes theatrically and used the film as a bonus feature on the DVD.” — Ed Johnson-Ott, NUVO NEWSWEEKLY
[Collateral Damage] “This should seal the deal: Arnold is not, nor will he be, back.” — Jeanne Aufmuth, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue:
Clockstoppers: “By the time the plot grinds itself out in increasingly incoherent fashion, you might be wishing for a watch that makes time go faster rather than the other way around.” — Donald Munro, THE FRESNO BEE
Showtime: “You know you’ve entered flat dramatic terrain when William Shatner towers over it.” — Geoff Pevere, THE TORONTO STAR
Resident Evil: “Such a bad movie that its luckiest viewers will be seated next to one of those ignorant pinheads who talk throughout the show.” — Charles Savage, MIAMI HERALD
High Crimes: “[Not] worth the crayons it took to write the script.” — Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST
Sorority Boys: “One element of Sorority Boys is undeniably good, and that is the title. Pause by the poster on the way into the theater. That will be your high point.” — Rogert Ebert, CHICAGO-SUN TIMES
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue.
[Dragonfly] “As the movie dragged on, I thought I heard a mysterious voice, and felt myself powerfully drawn toward the light — the light of the exit sign. I have returned from the beyond to warn you: this movie is 90 minutes long, and life is too short.” A. O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES
“40 Days and 40 Nights is so eyeball-gougingly awful that you’re tempted to give up movies for Lent. Lou Lumenick, NY POST
“John Q is the kind of movie Mad magazine prays for.” Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN TIMES
“The only good thing to come out of Rollerball is the boon it gives the porn industry in terms of another ready-made title to spoof.” Marc SAvlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE
[Crossroads]
MaryAnn Johanson, THE FILM PHILOSOPHER
Best Picture
Who will win this year’s coveted “Best Picture” Oscar? The critics weight in:
Moulin Rouge: “Ends up leaving you starved for a single moment of unhyped emotion. … This is the only time I’ve been to a movie where the ringing of someone’s cell phone wasn’t an intrusion. The sound of a human voice in conversation seemed a godsend.” — David Edelstein, SLATE
In The Bedroom: [A] turgid bout of navel gazing. [This has] been done so many times before in the world of independent cinema that it’s become a clich
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue.
[A Walk to Remember] “If you don’t know every single plot point and twist after the first twenty minutes, you’ve done the sensible thing and left after the first ten.” Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL
“To regard The Mothman Prophecies merely as two hours of your life that you’ll never get back is to miss the larger affront it poses.” Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS
[Birthday Girl] “A mess, from its clangingly false emotional manipulation to the silliest ‘suspense’ music ever composed on a kazoo.” Gregory Weinkauf, Los Angeles New Times
“The marketing weasels over at Disney deserve to have their beady little eyes gouged out with flaming icicles for the fast one they’ve pulled on audiences with Snow Dogs.” Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle
[Slackers] “A shit stain on the genre.” Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE
The Bad Review Revue
The Bad Review Revue.
“I Am Sam wants so hard to be adored and admired. And for that, you can’t help but loathe it.” Robert Wilonsky, LOS ANGELES NEW TIMES
“Unless there are zoning ordinances to protect your community from the dullest science fiction, Impostor is opening today at a theater near you.” Mike Clark, USA TODAY
“[The Majestic makes] Patch Adams looks like a tough-minded documentary about medical school.” Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER
“Who would have thought that Cameron Crowe had a movie as bad as Vanilla Sky in him?” Stephanie Zacharek, SALON.COM
“THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS FILM. NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER. AT ALL ALL ALL!!! Ugly as sin, badly lit, poorly acted, logically untenable, and possibly not even written, Behind Enemy Lines is a total fucking travesty in which even the makeup is incompetently applied.” Sean Nelson, THE STRANGER