Category: News

Kerry and Bush To Exchange CDs In Presidental Debate

Matthew

President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry face-off tomorrow in a prime-time debate that may determine the outcome of the hotly-contested 2004 election.

But analysts and pundits have expressed concern and irritation at the highly restrictive conditions the candidates have placed on the proceedings. According to debate guidelines, agreed upon by the two campaigns in accordance with the Commission on Presidential Debates, candidates cannot bring prepared notes or props, cannot move from their designated spots, and cannot ask one another questions. In a further effort to minimize any embarrassing "gaffes" that a rival campaign could seize upon, the candidates have also agreed to avoid speaking about any subjects that could be construed as "political." The sole activity that will take place during the five-minute debate is an exchange of mix CDs, wherein each candidate will give a collection of his favorite songs to his rival. The moderator will ensure that the two men hand their CDs to each other at the exactly the same time. The campaigns and the press are forbidden from divulging the track listings of the CDs, and the event will not be televised.

This will be the only presidential debate of the campaign, but the vice-presidential candidates will meet on October 5. According to the agreement, Dick Cheney and John Edwards will each be allowed to make one "your mama's so fat" joke at the other's expense, and then the two will make light chit-chat over a catered dinner.

Ridge Raises Terror Level After Watching Cujo

Matthew

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge authorized the elevation of the terror alert level to "high" Monday morning after watching Cujo on NBC's Fright Nite Theater. "Mr. Ridge contacted the President at 4:05 AM and said he was 'pretty freaked out,'" confirmed White House spokesman Scott McClellan in a press conference yesterday. "He couldn't provide specifics about an impending attack, but asked that we go to code orange and send some secret service guys to his house to spend the night." Speaking with reporters earlier today, Ridge admitted to being "jumpy" after watching the edited-for-television version of Stephen King's 1983 thriller, but nonetheless defended his decision as "completely justified." He urged Americans to remain vigilant and be on the lookout for suspicious activities or St. Bernards.

Kerry: Beer Begins At Fermentation

Matthew

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry rekindled a contentious election-year debate today, saying that he believes that beer begins at fermentation. The statement stands in stark contrast to the White House assertion that beer does not technically begin until its "born on" date.

The Bush campaign was quick to seize on the controversy, calling it the latest in a series of Kerry misstatements and reversals. "The senator from Massachusetts may be confused by the so-called 'beer' he prefers: imported, foreign brew, possibly even that nasty Belgian stuff with the yeast at the bottom," spectulated Bush campaign spokesman Simon Wiley. "But here in America, it ain't beer until it's been bottled -- preferably somewhere in the heartland of Milwaukee."

Kerry has been dogged by allegations of "flip-flopping" on the subject of the world's greatest beverage since earlier this year, when he made his infamous and improbable claim that Miller Lite "is less filling, but also tastes great."

DNC Urges Clinton’s Demise

Matthew

The Democratic National Committee, citing the "unfair advantage" accrued by the Bush campaign in the wake of Ronald Reagan's passing, today called on Bill Clinton to perish in late September or October of this year. "Oh c'mon, you finished your book. What do you have left to live for, Hillary?" asked DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe in a personal appeal to the 42nd President. "Help a brother out -- another Wellstone Memorial would be awesome." McAuliffe suggested to Clinton that he die by "running into a burning building to save a child" or "getting the shiv while thwarting a mugging" for maximum effect. He implored Clinton, however, to assiduously avoid those fatalities that in any way involve oral sex.

Al Qaida Rebrands Self “MusliMentum”

Matthew

The Islamic paramilitary movement formerly known as Al-Qaida today announced that it would change its name to MusliMentum. "Right or wrong, the name 'Al-Qaida' has come to have negative connotations, perhaps due to our unrelenting campaign of nihilistic butchery," said MusliMentum spokesman Khalid al-Mihjim. "Countering this perception by renouncing the use of indiscriminate violence would, unfortunately, violate our mission statement. So, instead, we've decided to give ourselves a new name ... and a fresh start!"

Al-Mihjim was quick to reassure citizens that, despite the name change, MusliMentum would exhibit "the same level of commitment to horrific acts of terrorism people have come to expect from Al-Qaida."

The change is one element of a $4 billion rebranding effort on the part of the organization, which includes television commercials showing groups of sleepy cells smiling and planting trees, and the launch of a new slogan "MusliMentum: Barbarism For the 21st Century."

Bush Announces Twelve Step Plan For Iraq

Matthew

President George Bush, speaking at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pa. yesterday, unveiled a new twelve-step plan to address the deteriorating situation in Iraq.

"First, I will admit we have a problem," Bush said, signaling a stark departure from the administration's current position. "Then I will recognize that we need help, I will seek the aid of other nations, and I'll make a searching and fearless moral inventory of our policy of preemption." He went on to outline the plan's eight additional steps during the 90 minute speech.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, John Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee, called the plan "completely unworkable." "I mean, do we really expect George Bush to take steps eight and nine: 'make a list of all persons I have harmed' and 'apologize to those I have wronged'? Even if he did, it would take months."

The President, however, was unfazed by such criticism. "Don't worry," Bush reassured doubters, "I've done this before."

Eritrea To Withdraw Troop From Iraq

Matthew

The Coalition of the Willing suffered another blow today as Eritrea announced its decision to disengage from Iraq and withdraw its troop, rifleman Yosuf Abdulkadir. "Awesome!" Abdulkadir said when he heard the news. "Maybe I'll get back in time to see Kill Bill 2 in the theater!" Bulgaria's three soldiers, however, said they would be sorry to see Abdulkadir go. "He was so lonely when he first got here, we kind of adopted him as one of our own," explained Nikolay Stoyanov, adding, "I don't know how we're going to play euchre now." As part of its disengagement, Eritrea said it will also stop sending the White House photocopied "How To" articles from War Waging Monthly.

Bush Seeks $131 Billion For War On Carbs

Matthew

President George Bush submitted an emergency appropriation bill to Congress today seeking an additional $131 billion for the war on carbs, the bulk of which would be used to establish a cabinet-level Department of Carbohydrate Reduction. The proposal comes just days after a Reuters poll revealed that carbs have eclipsed terrorism and job uncertainty as Americans' greatest fear.

Democrats were quick to denounce the proposal as election-year grandstanding. "I'll match my record on carbohydrate with the President's any day," said Senator John Kerry. Kerry was a prominent figure in the anti-carb movement of the late 60's and early 70's, even going so far as to throw his croutons onto the steps of the Capitol Building during a 1971 protest.

However, A recent photo showing Kerry sharing linguini with Jane Fonda has caused some to question his carb-fighting credentials. Hoping to capitalize on the controversy, Howard Dean is repositioning himself as an anti-carbohydrate populist. "When I was Governor of Vermont, no one ate their pizza crust!" Dean boasted in a fiery speech given at a recent rally. "And when I become President, we're going to go after Big Bread! We're going to go after Big Potato! We're going to go after Big Sugar and Big Cracker and Big Muffin, yeeeeargh!"

But with the election nine months away and broad bipartisan support for the war on carbs, Congress is likely to hand Bush a political victory on the funding request. "We're going to work quickly and get this passed," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. "We need to reassure the nation that we're taking this battle seriously, and this is just the sort of legislation American wants to see: an enormous spending proposal loaded with pork. Sweet, sweet, low-carb pork."

If approved, the appropriations bill would be the most expensive dietary legislation passed since the 1986 Promotion Of Frozen Yogurt Act.

Kerry Enjoys Surge

Matthew

Speaking at the Sanford Center earlier today, Senator John Kerry reveled in recent polls showing growing support for his presidential aspiration. "Do you like the surge?" Kerry asked the crowd of more than 200 people. "Are you ready to add more surge? Are you ready to make more surge, more surge? And are you ready to make more and more surge?"

Kerry's elation was also evident as spoke with reporters following the speech. "The American people have a thirst for crisp, clean, refreshing solutions," he told ABC's Cokie Roberts, whom he affectionately referred to as "The Coke" several dozen times. "And I'm pleased that the press is no longer giving Howard Dean a free pass on his various reversals. Whenever you see the doctor, pepper him with questions about his controversial statements on Iraq. I want that doctor peppered."

The rising poll numbers are good news for a candidate that has been dogged by allegations of impropriety. Rivals for the Democratic nomination claim that an unnamed corporation recent gave Kerry's campaign enormous contributions in return for product endorsement. While Kerry acknowledges a recent influx of funds, he dismisses claims that he is providing anything in return as "sheer fantasy." "No amount of money," said Kerry, "is going to prevent me from doing what sprite for America."

Footnote 1: I totally not making up that surge quotation.

Foornote 2: In doing “research” for this post, I came across the best legal boilerplate ever: “We love your dedication, we love your passion … but also want to remind you that, no matter what you do to promote SURGE and SaveSURGE.org, make sure it’s legal! SaveSURGE.org cannot be held responsible for your actions. Thank you all, you’re the best!”