Baron Vladimir Harkonnen today reiterated his insistence that Arrakis possesses worms of mass destruction, despite growing skepticism that proof of WMDs will ever be found. "We know for a fact that they have worms," Vladimir said in a statement to the Emperor, "but it will take time to uncover them, as they are likely hidden deep underground." Rival houses, however, have stepped up their criticism of Harkonnen, accusing the House of exaggerating the threat of WMDs to justify "Operation Arrakis Freedom," the March 20 Harkonnen-led invasion of the desert planet. "We were told that an attack on the Empire by worm-riding Fremen was imminent," said Duke Yoshihide of House Radding. "If that was the case, Baron Harkonnen, then I ask: where are the WMDs?" Others have been more blunt in their criticism. "I think it's clear now that this was all about the spice," said Duchess Asplund, who has also called for an investigation into lucrative contracts Harkonnen awarded the Spacing Guild following the war. In addition to the question of WMDs, the Harkonnen administration has also been under fire because of continued attacks on Imperial forces by the Bene Gesserit, and because Paul "Maud'dib" Atreides -- the Fremen leader and "Ace of Spades" in the "Arrakis Most Wanted" playing-card deck -- remains at large.
Category: News
Op/Ed
UNWILLING TO BELIEVE
By Paul Krugman, guest columnist
With his grudge match against Saddam resolved, an presidential election looming, and the "War or Terror" largely forgotten, George Bush is again straining our credulity to the limit.
How many times must we go down this path? We were promised Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," yet the criminal mastermind remains at large. We were told horrific tales of Iraqi WMDs, yet these stories still remain unsubstantiated. We were assured that our once robust economy would be mended, yet this administrations remains committed to tax cuts in the face of mounting deficits.
With the White House's credibility at an all-time low, it's unfathomable that they would choose this moment to unleash a yet another taradiddle on the American citizenry. Nonetheless, the Bush Administration yesterday introduced a new food product -- full of the rich, creamy taste we love, and great for baking, cooking, or spreading on our favorite foods -- that they audaciously vow is not butter.
Again we are asked to ignore the evidence of our eyes. Even the most dogmatic of Republicans must concede that this appears, in all respects, to be butter, from its just-whipped texture to its light-golden hue. And perhaps the political orchestrators behind this latest canard presumed that we would take their statements on faith, without once sampling the substance in question. But one taste -- a taste I, personally, have taken and enjoyed -- is enough to put Bush's assertions to the lie. That this is butter is an ineludible fact.
As with all compulsive prevaricators, the White House is not satisfied to simply insist that the most paradoxical of statements are true ("War Is Peace," "Ignorance Is Strength," "This Is Not Butter," etc.) but feels compelled to embellish even these outlandish claims. This product, we're told, contains only 90 calories per serving, and is available as a spray, as a squeeze -- even as a calcium-enriched spread. Spurning the age-old adage that the biggest of lies must contain a grain of truth, Bush seems content to pile falsehood upon falsehood until the target audience is gulled by the overwhelming quantity of untruth.
Many in these uncertain times will rush to give the President the benefit of the doubt; others will insist that it is our patriotic duty not to publicly question the Commander-In-Chief's veracity. And perhaps it's possible for the majority of American to willingly suspend their collective disbelief one more time. But not I. My capacity for credence has been exceeded; I can't believe it's not butter.
Bush To Water Ski Over Shark Tank
Following the media's breathless coverage of his landing on the USS Lincoln, President George Bush today announced his intention to don water skis and jump a tank of man-eating sharks. The event, to take place on February 3, 2004, will be carried live on FOX, CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, UPN, HBO, The Food Channel, The Weather Channel, Comedy Central, The Home Shopping Network and Spice, with publicity photos to follow in every American newspaper and weekly. When asked why the stunt was scheduled for the same day as the South Carolina Democratic Primary, Bush urged reporters to "sit on it"
And while I’m media-bashing: check out the “Reuters Photo” that accompanies this story. We know we’ve found Saddam’s WMDs this time because the State Department has secured some clip art of a truck.
Update: Laurie Boris writes “Send that truck clip art to North Korea. That’ll give ’em something to think about!!”
Update: Apparently disgruntled with the poor quality of the “Reuters Photos,” Yahoo! has now switched to the vastly superior AFP Photos.
White House: Bush Still Undecided On Iraq War
In response to reporters asking if Operation Iraqi Freedom might last months, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer today condemned the media for assuming that an invasion of Iraq was a foregone conclusion. "I think it's premature to ask how long a war will last before the President has even decided whether to attack [Iraq]," Fleischer said, reiterating comments made by Bush on Wednesday. "The United States is still pursuing every diplomatic channel available in the hopes of averting a war." Fleischer cited recents meetings between US military forces and the Republican Guard in and around Basra as proof that the US was "earnestly engaging the regime in the hopes of finding a peaceful solution to the crisis". He also pointed out that, as recently as March 19th, the United States sent a number of envoys into Saddam's bunker in an effort to interact with the Iraqi leader directly. "The President will make a decision regarding a possible invasion only if our current campaign of aggressive peace negotiations fail," Fleischer stated. "War is our last resort."
Headlines, Today and Tomorrow
Today: White House Says Coalition Includes Nations From Every Continent On The Globe
Tomorrow: Antarctican Forces Complain About Heat, Sand
Today: Us Seizes Iraqi Assets
Tomorrow: More Money Found For Tax Cuts, Bush Says
Today: France Seeks Big Role in Post-War Iraq
Tomorrow: Little Red Hen Announces Plan To Eat Whole Loaf By Self
Today: Halliburton Subsidiary Wins Iraqi Oil Contract
Tomorrow: Halliburton Subsidiary Declared Winner Of NCAA Tournament
Tomorrow: War In Iraq Ends
Day After Tomorrow: Thousands Of Graphic Designers Laid Off By CNN, MSNBC, FOX
Bush: Time For Pretend Diplomacy Has Passed
In another sign of impending military action, Bush today announced that the US would no longer pretend to work with the United Nations. "The time for pretend diplomacy has passed," warned the President in a televised speech to the nation. "I will therefore spend today pretending to make up my mind about invading." Bush estimated that he would pretend to deliberate for a day before pretending to come to a decision. The declaration followed a summit in which Bush met with those leaders who favor war and, in a last ditch, pretend effort to find a peaceful resolution, asked them if they favor war. "Look at the bright side," Bush added, "Once we attack I can go back to pretending to fix the economy." In a press conference shortly thereafter, White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer clarified the President's statement, insisting that Bush had meant to say "if we attack."
In The News
Headline: Bush Names Jim And Tim Directors Of Homeland Security
Greenspan Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Weeks of Low Interest Rates
With members of Congress gathered in front of his Washington DC residence, Alan Greenspan emerged from his home this morning and saw his own shadow, thereby predicting six more weeks of low interest rates. "Some have said that deficit spending will drive interest rates up," said Speaker of the House Denny Hastert immediately following the ceremony. "But Alan Greenspan, seeing his shadow here today, has told the American people in no uncertain terms that the Bush Administration has this nation on the road to recovery." Top Democrats, however, were quick to cast doubt on the accuracy of the prediction. "The man has, like, twenty / four-million vision," said Senator John Kerry. "Who can really say what he sees or doesn't see?" Greenspan, who retreated into his home after fetching his newspaper, is expected to remain secluded until April 20, when he will perform his annual egg-hiding duties.
‘Axies’ Fever Sweeps Globe
 Ayatollah Ali Khamenei holds Iran’s Axie aloft during his acceptance speech at the 2002 State of the Union Address. |
"Axies" Fever is sweeping the globe, as leaders and citizens around the world eagerly anticipate tomorrow's announcement of the 2003 "Axis of Evil" inductees.
The Axis of Evil Awards -- or "Axies," as they have come to be called -- are the brainchild of US President George Bush, who distributed the first four awards during the 2002 State of the Union address. Intended to "recognize those nations who have gone the extra, evil mile," the Axies have since become one of the most coveted awards a country can receive.
World leaders have spent billions in recent months to call attention to their evil deeds, some taking out full-page ads in The New York Times, others sending videotapes of atrocities directly to the White House. In an unusual move, a top Nigerian official has sent unsolicited email to millions of people documenting his nation's practice of "setting up companies and awarding themselves contracts which were grossly over-invoiced."
But despite the fervor, not everyone is looking forward to the event. "The Axies are nothing but a big anti-popularity contest," groused Bashar al-Assad, leader of Syria, whose nation is expected to be passed over again this year. "We are way more evil than Iraq, but just because they tried to assassinate Bush's father they got the award. Suck-ups." Others have insinuated that the entire selection process is rife with corruption. "The voting is totally rigged," says Jean Chr