1. No woman, in the history of courtship, has ever uttered the phrase “he’s a really great guy” and not followed it with the word “but.”
2. Getting involved with a girl who has stuffed animals in the back window of her car is rarely a good idea.
3. Unless otherwise specified, the correct time to microwave something is three minutes.
Update: Some readers are asserting that the final one is not, technically speaking, a “dating” truism. And, okay: I’ll grudgingly cede the point.
In its place, though, here are some other dating truisms from the comments:
- Alkelda: It’s a terrible lapse in judgement to kiss a guy who thinks making Donald Duck sound effects is cool.
- theinsider: If a guy introduces you to a girl and says, “We were just good friends,” they weren’t. Watch out, they probably still aren’t.
- Joy: Never date anyone who’s ‘getting his band together.’
- Stephanie: Never date outside of your political party in an election year.
- Erin: Don’t ever be the “other people” in “We’re seeing other people.”
Add your own.
1) It’s a terrible lapse in judgement to kiss a guy who thinks making Donald Duck sound effects is cool.
2) If you ask a guy to tell you a story, and instead of protesting that he doesn’t know any stories, actually tells you a story… you’ll probably end up marrying him 3 years down the road.
1) Getting involved with a guy who mentions his mom more than once on the first date is a very bad idea
2) If a guy introduces you to someone and says, “We were just good friends,” they weren’t. Watch out, they probably still aren’t.
Having a girlfriend who keeps reminding you her name really means Princess is a good sign that you need a new girlfriend.
If after the first date, you say to yourself, “Gee, he’s kinda geeky,” be honest with yourself on your own geek quotient.
We’re getting married in about 7 weeks. :)
Don’t get involved with a guy who is still living with his parents at age 30 unless a) he is helping to run the family farm, or b) his parents are ailing and he is the primary caretaker. A possible c) is if he has been laid off and has had to move back for financial reasons, but in that case he should be chomping at the bit to leave; cut him some slack but don’t let him move in with you until he’s gone out on his own again for at least a year.
I would imagine the same thing can be said about girls.
Oh yeah, and don’t talk about marriage until you’ve exchanged credit reports.
1) If the guy says hes not interested in a long term relationship, he means it! Don’t try and change his mind. It. Will. Not. Work.
2) If the guy can’t remember how many girls he’s slept with, that is also a good sign that maybe he’s not the one for you.
Don’t date anyone who is not over their ex.
Symptoms that they still need time to grieve:
1) They still live with their ex.
2) Their ex just moved out and they say it was over for a long time but they haven’t changed the sheets.
3) They talk about their ex’s ab0rtion and they are not drunk.
4) They needed their ex’s paycheck to survive and rather than get a job, they date people with paychecks.
5) They needed their ex’s car and rather than get their own, they date people with cars.
You catch my drift and yes, I made all those errors in judgment. I am happily married to number one so sometimes it accidentally works out but I don’t recommend it, due to the cliche based in truth that they always leave the same way (mine didn’t BUT I GOT LUCKY).
Even if you use alcohol in a legitimate and classy way:
It’s a fine line between ‘to loosen up’ and ‘not to be able to straighten up, even if your life depended on it’.
“If after the first date, you say to yourself, “Gee, he’s kinda geeky,” be honest with yourself on your own geek quotient.”
Ha ha ha ha! I married a geeky guy after coming to terms with my own geekiness and he’s such a hottie now. (Well, maybe just to me.)
Oh, and he was also living with his parents. We just used all the money he saved doing that for a down payment on a house.
_____________________
Mine:
1. If a guy you are dating signs his notes to you ‘cheers’ then you should immediately forget about anything long term.
2. If a guy tells you that he doesn’t love you totally out of the blue (and not in an attempt to break up) then he might actually love you but you should totally dump him then and there.
3. Never date a man who is tidier than you are. Never date a man who is nervous about his car’s interior.
> If a guy you are dating signs his notes to you ‘cheers’ then you should immediately forget about anything long term.
OMG, within the hour I have signed “cheers” to a gal responding to an online profile. What’s so wrong with “cheers”? What’s so wrong with “cheers” guys?
if you are in what is supposed to be (or what you hope to be) an affectionate relationship – “hugs” is better than “cheers” – cheers is for buddies, not lovers.
;p
for the straight chickies : run, screaming, from any male who calmly states that “rape is a useful weapon in wartime,” especially if it’s on a first date. things can only get worse from there.
yeah, i knew how to pick ’em before i met my husband.
I never hug on a first e-mail.
If for some reason you start talking with a guy about how many sexual partners you’ve each had (a terrible idea in and of itself), and his answer involves fractions, that is a bad sign.
If you’re dating a guy who says he wants to spend the night but that you shouldn’t fool around “yet”, and you believe him and actually go to sleep, you will never hear from that guy again.
Don’t get involved with a guy who is still living with his parents…
Especially if he has a really expensive or tricked-out car.
“for the straight chickies : run, screaming, from any male who calmly states that “rape is a useful weapon in wartime,” especially if it’s on a first date. things can only get worse from there.”
Oh my god… no! Someone actually said that?!? Holy shit.
“Cheers”: OK way to sign note if you’re British, not if you’re American.
“Take care”: “I’m trying to be polite, but I really don’t.”
“1) They still live with their ex.”
Yeah, I broke that rule and guess what: It turned out his ex wasn’t even really his ex yet! The divorce didn’t become final until about six months after we broke up.
Personally, I think it’s a good idea to see if you get similar scores on the Reed College Depravity Quiz before getting serious about each other.
Closing with “Hugs” is worse. A guy who wants to hug is worse.
“What’s so wrong with “cheers” guys?”
First off, guys who spend every single night in a bar, rather than go home?
Sam Malone was a hottie, but none too lucky with love. And don’t get me started on the others…Frasier? Norm? CLIFF?!
That’s a bad bunch, in terms of dateability.
————————————————-
Here’s my rule:
Never ever ever date with or even hook up with a guy who will turn down a blow job to play NES. Especially if they try to get you to “compromise” and do both at the same time.
Never date a man who asks for the receipt from a present you gave him.
Never date a guy who spends more time getting ready than you. Never. And i can’t stress that enough.
Run Away (fast!) from a guy who’s talking about marriage and kids on the 3rd date.
Never date a guy whose nickname is “Snake.”
What do you mean “Never date a guy whose nickname is ‘Snake.'”, Liz…what if it is Snake Pliskin?
1) Never date an actress.
2) Never date somebody with less than one room’s worth of furniture (unless you’re both in college or he/she is living at home (subject to the other rules on home-livers above)).
3) I’ve discussed this several times with some friends and we agree that Hugh Heffner’s age rule is correct: a man cannot date a woman less than half his age plus seven years.
So, that’s why Hugh has three girlfriends!
Never date someone for love who wants to do you on the first date but — out of so-called principle — waits and then jumps you halfway into your second date.
Honestly, everyone’s better off if nobody dates anyone.
“3. Never date a man who is tidier than you are. Never date a man who is nervous about his car’s interior.”
Some women are pretty damn messy, especially here in college. I’m not sure if I’d give them a chance to date me, but if they applied this rule, nobody would!
Never date a man who says he would fall in love with you, if only you’d lose that 25 pounds. Just run! Run, I say! NO DON’T LOOK BACK JUST RUN!
I would say never date the best friend of your ex, but I can’t b/c I married the best friend…
I can say, never, ever under any circumstances date anybody because he looks like Jim Morrison. Bad on many levels…
If you are hugging a girl and if after an appropriate amount of time you let go but she does not, so you hug again & then release & then this repeats again…….one of you is seriously disturbed & you should run
When dating a guy who spends an inordinate amount of time lifting weights (red flag #1), if he flips into baby talk when you become intimate (flaming crimson flag), run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit and flee for your sanity.
“Oh, and he was also living with his parents. We just used all the money he saved doing that for a down payment on a house.”
My ex was living with his parents because he had over $30K of credit card debt that he’d forgotten to tell me about until after we’d been married for 9 months and our checking account mysteriously vaporized one day. Hence my second rule about exchanging credit reports.
That aside, my experience with guys over 30 living at home is that they are waiting to find another caretaker before they cut the home ties. I like a guy with a bit more independence.
Never go to her place when her husband “won’t be home for at least an hour”.
Never date the child of a psycholgist. They are damaged goods. Never met one yet that hadn’t had every problem of every patient projected onto them and every bad parenting theory tried on them.
Never date anybody you meet in rehab.
Steve:
‘Never go to her place when her husband “won’t be home for at least an hour”.’
Now there’s a story worth telling!
Maybe this won’t hold longterm, but for then next six months, it should be a valid test. My girlfriend and I started using it on most guys we met. If they say no to these three questions:
Do you like The OC?
Do you like Metallica?
Do you like Napoleon Dynamite?
Chances are they can at least carry on a conversation.
“I feel so bad that you’d think of me that way…” is not as kind-hearted as it sounds. Run from this guy.
If a guy asks you to a movie and then when you both arrive, proceeds to ask you to pay for him and buy him a large coke (because he’s, “Like, really thirsty, you know?), he’s probably a horrible, life-force sucking mooch. Run — do not walk — the other way.
“Run Away (fast!) from a guy who’s talking about marriage and kids on the 3rd date.”
Glad my wife didn’t listen to you. I asked her to marry me 2 days after we started dating. (Then again, we were friends for a long time before that.)
//Going on to year 3 of a great marriage.
1) Ladies: If you dump a guy for cheating on you, get engaged to another guy, and your ex says “this may really put our future in jeopardy,” you know you did the right thing by dumping him in the first place.
//happened to wife after she told him we were engaged.
2) If you’ve been dating a guy for more than two years and he still can’t commit — he’s not the one.
Never ever ever date with or even hook up with a guy who will turn down a blow job to play NES. Especially if they try to get you to “compromise” and do both at the same time. — SassyCat
Guys: Never hit on a woman who is less appealing than River City Ransom.
If he tells you after the first date that he loves you, even if he says it in another language, run! He thinks you’re someone else.
if his favorite book is on the road, he probably drinks too much.
if his favorite book is catcher in the rye, he either still needs to grow up or has a problem with depression.
Never date a woman who has more body hair than you do
If they recite poetry on the first date or equate any emotion/experience to a moment in history or psychological theory, hit them and then run.
Never date outside of your political party in an election year.
What are some situations where I can walk away?
Never date anyone who’s ‘getting his band together.’
Never date anyone who insist on making rabbit stew for dinner.